Tag Archives: sanity

Big changes…

So, yesterday was pretty solidly the worst day of the year.

My mother went on vacation for four days on Wednesday, and was scheduled to come back on Sunday.  She called last night and said she didn’t have any intention of coming home.

Fantastic, right?

That leaves me, my sister, and my nephew with an apartment we can’t afford and no way to pay the rent this month.  Out-motherfucking-standing.  Best day of my life, right there.

***Advice:  Don’t share an apartment with unreliable family members, people, even if they’re your mother.  ~_~***

So, after many shouting matches, tears, and urges to break things, I’m looking for a home for my Jack Russell and moving to Florida to stay with my father until I get on my feet.  It’s a shitty situation, since I pretty much hate Florida, and I really love my dog, but life goes on, I suppose.

This is my last night off before I start packing the few things I can take with me, schedule a UPS pick up, and try to find a ride to the airport next week.  I know my blog has been suffering anyway, but… just a little longer and I’ll be back.

Promise.

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Filed under Writing

Steampunk Tales and Kit’s Busy-ness.

WELL WELL WELL!  I suppose I should update you guys, since my posts haven’t been very quality-oriented lately.  I do apologize, and I apologize even harder for sporadic/lack of comments to all of your blogs.  I have NOT stopped reading, or stopped loving you guys.  I’m just swamped to hell and back.

Here’s my list of crap I’m trying to accomplish:

1.  Job hunting. This might kill me.  I’ll keep you posted.  I’m poor and sad and ready to shankabitch.

2.  Ossuarium. I know I owe you guys chapter 4.  I am working on it, though I’m also considering taking it down after I let everyone read chapter 5.  Following Mckenzie’s lead, since I also intend to get this published.  I appreciate everyone’s feedback thus far, and if you want to keep reading through chapter 5, you’re welcome to.  =]

3.  My initial WiP. Which is not going anywhere right now.  I need to get back into gear with that one.  I may put it aside for a few months.

4.  NaNoWriMo. November approacheth.  I’m working on a vague outline for my NaNo project, just so I can fuck about in October without worrying I’m wasting time.

5.  Submission for Steampunk Tales. Hoping to have this short story done and submitted by the end of the week.  Working my ass off on it.

This list isn’t in any particular order, since certain things take priority at certain times, usually with job hunting always sitting pretty at the top.  I’ve also gotten back into reading comic books with the 13 issue run of Quicksilver and the House of M series.

Busy, busy, busy.  I’ll attempt to keep you kids updated, but I’ll probably continue my sporadic and random postings in between. <3

I LOVE YOU ALL!

<3 Kit.

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Filed under Life, Writing

Shedding Skin & Starting Over

Prompted by a thread started over at PaganSpace, I got thinking about the possibility of starting over.

Not just a new blog, new screen names, new Facebook, but a whole new life.

Have you ever had the urge to just drop everything, pick up what’s precious to you, and run away?  Start over somewhere fresh, where no one knows you, no one has ties to you, and your former life as ‘nobody’ doesn’t apply?

Have you ever felt like you were playing an extra in the film of you own life?

I have to say that I absolutely have felt that way on a multitude of occasions.  Sometimes life isn’t what you expected it to be.  Things didn’t turn out the way they were supposed to when you planned them.  Sometimes, the only logical thing to do is to just leave, and try again where you don’t have the stigma of who people think you are hanging over your head.

It’s not logical, obviously.  We have families and lovers and friends and jobs and pets.

But if you wouldn’t hurt anyone by leaving, would you?  Would you start a new life somewhere else, where you could be someone else?

I would.  Hell, maybe when I’m not poor anymore, I will.  Who knows.

Anyway, just some food for thought.  <3

Maybe someday, I’ll actually write about writing again.

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Filed under Life

Buckling Down

I know, I’ve been slacking on my posts lately.  As most of you can probably gather from my Apology to Myself, I’ve had some personal hurtles to overcome, and the last few days, I’ve been working really hard on ways to improve how I approach my day-to-day.

I have two stories in my head, hammering to get out, and I just haven’t been able to bring myself to write them.  I’ve been whiny and unmotivated, BUT… I’m fixing it.  Z and Gage are sitting on the back burner, simmering a little, and my weekly update-y storyline is almost done being plotted out.  I think that I should have the first installment up within the week (and I apologize for the delay.  Motivation hates me).

I’m taking the next three days off from frantically shoving my resume at people.  It’s stressing me out, and I deserve a few days to breathe and relax and take in the warm weather.  You know, before my head explodes.

SO!  In the next week, my posts will pop up as follows:

  1. Write what you don’t know.  (A counter post to Miss Rosemary’s Write What You Know… though it’s really more of an addendum.)
  2. Brew Your Muse!  Random places for percolating ideas.
  3. Soundtrack for a WiP?  Do you have one?

Toss in installment one of weekly project somewhere in there, as well as allowing room for a few brain-explosions of randomness.  I’m trying to get back on track!

Don’t stop reading!  Ilyguys!

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Filed under Life, Uncategorized, Writing

An Apology to Myself

Number one destroyer of my current mental health: Unemployment.


I could spend the better part of this post going off about the state of the US economy, bad politics, and a blatant disdain for what our country has become.  We have a pretty epically awesome history, but– yeah, never mind.  I said I wouldn’t complain about what’s become of us.

I could blame everything from the unbalanced hold Big Business has on The Consumer, to the fact that, as a whole, we have become solely The Consumer.

I could blame my parents.  Everyone always blames their parents, but it’s not my parents’ fault.

Or I could be honest, and I could blame me.  I could do the responsible thing and own up to my actions — or lack thereof.  I could tell you that I’m unemployed because I was a lazy, smart ass high school student whose ambition was destroyed by butting heads with teachers who didn’t really care.  I knew they didn’t care about their students, and I should have had the good sense to account for that and care about myself.  I could have done better if I didn’t blame them for hating me, all the while contributing to their frustration with my bullheaded remarks and know-it-all personality.

I like to think I’ve grown since then.  In some ways, I have, but in others — well, I’ve gone from confident in all the wrong ways to self-conscious in all the major ones.  Life knocked me down a few pegs; something that happens to way too many people. Reality is vicious.  Reality doesn’t care if it knocks you off your pedestal so many times you lose the will to climb back up.

You have to care.  No one is going to do it for you.  No one can fix you but you, and you can’t fix you if you don’t want to fix you.

I can’t fix me if I don’t want to fix me.  I have to sometimes remind myself that talking in the second person isn’t going to change the fact that I am talking about me, even if it’s a topic I want to avoid.

But I’m trying to face it.  That’s the point.

I’m broken.  I can fix me.  I want to fix me.

The steps I’m taking to “fix” what’s broken:

  • Job hunting and tweaking my very limited resume to make me look awesome, even though that fact is debatable among employers.
  • Becoming a better pagan.  We get a bad rep, but we’re too busy being too afraid to “come out of the broom closet” to mend it.  Those of us with the ability should make some effort to educate.  Not through ‘conversion’, but through our acts in the community.
  • Motivating myself.  I can’t wait for other people to come along and pull me out of this ditch.  I need to write, read, and create the me that I want to be.
  • Loving myself.  It’s hard sometimes, but I can’t appropriately love others until I love myself.  It isn’t fair to expect someone else to love all the things about me that I hate, just so I can fill the gap.

And there’s my very depressing post for today.  It took me a couple of hours to write it, because… I hate self-evaluation, as I mentioned a few posts ago.

So, here I am, ready to be better, and willing to make the changes that are necessary to be who I want to be.

Are you who you want to be?

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Filed under Life, Paganism, Uncategorized

Insomnia & Good Times

It has been a very busy weekend, but so worth it.  Friday night, Jess and I made a late night drive to her fiance’s place, and ended up crashing around 2am.  Well.. THEY ended up crashing around 2am.  My brain exploded, and every time I almost fell asleep, it was like “HEY!  Hey, write this down, it’s important.”

So I did.

Every 20 minutes until 6am when I finally passed out cold.

Upside: I made amazing progress with my new WiP.

Downside: I wanted to die until caffeine finally entered my veins around 10am.

Insomnia is one of those things that make me cry and want to kill myself, but the after effects, the writing and plotting and awesome ideas that my Muse pukes out, almost make the mental tantrums worth it.

Moving along.  After breakfast, we went to Dustin’s for a fun-filled day of physical activity, video games (I’m terrible at L4D), and alcohol (which makes me more terrible at L4D, but a bit more fun about dying repeatedly).   It was a blast, but given the current state of my body, the soreness that followed made me question my judgment.  Keep in mind, kids, I flunked gym in high school.  I’m a freakin’ winner.

Anyway, best day ever was followed by a heated argument between my best friend’s fiance and myself at 2 in the morning, and that was followed by a very upset best friend.  My temper is a beast.  Apologies all around.  Bed time.

Then there was breakfast and everyone got along.  It was crazy.

Point of the story:  I haven’t had time to post, and that’s why.  I’m still title-hunting for my new project, so hopefully that’ll be taken care of by Thursday. <3

Woo!  Nap time.

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Filed under Life, Writing

New Projects and the Commonwealth of Massachusetts

So, I mentioned in my FFT post that I was planning a new on-going project, just to kill time and keep my brain from exploding.  I love my WiP, and writing Z, Gage, and Periss is hilarious and amazing, but I’ve been getting the itch for something new.  I do that so often, it’s retarded.  I have fiction ADD.  I think I need a support group.

Anyway, I’ve decided on a fantasy theme, a blend of modern America and kind of an Alexander the Great-era Middle East.  I don’t know quite how I’m going to pull it off yet, but I’m working on it.

And names.  I used to love naming characters, now I friggin’ hate it.  It was my favorite part, and somehow it’s gotten to be a part of the process that makes me beat my head against my desk.  I have three characters that need names, and I’m dreading it.

I do have a basic plot outline, though.  I’ll flesh it out a little more tomorrow, and I’ll steal a little freedom from my main WiP for awhile.

On a weird side note… everyone in my state is a jerk.  I read things about other people, and their experiences on their blogs or Facebook accounts, or… you know, whatever… and I’m like “WOW, that would not fly in Massachusetts!”  People are such raging douche bags here.  I mean, I’m an asshole to the core.  No joke.  But I SMILE at people in public, because it’s a courteous thing to do.  I hold doors for people, because I know I feel all “Kit SMASH!” when I’m inches behind someone and a door shuts in my face.

Common.  Courtesy.  Seriously.  Who raised these people?

There’s a time and a place to be an asshole.  It’s usually with my friends… who are equally brutal, sarcastic, and all-around-dicks.  We mesh well.  But I can conduct myself in public!  Why can’t the rest of the people in this Hell-washed state?

Pft.  Rant over.  Had to get that out of my system.  Thanks.  <3

***Also, to clarify, I don’t think I’m better than anyone.  The opposite is actually true.  I can genuinely behave like a bad person, and I know that most people are NOT bad people.  Why do they act like they are?  That’s all I’m getting at.***

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Filed under Life, Writing

Life change = appearance change

Every time something catastrophic/jarring/exciting happens in my life, it seems like I need to change something about myself physically.  Usually, it’s my hair.  I dye it some ridiculous color, chop it all off, etc.   My best friend and I have decided that we BOTH do it when a situation crops up that we just can’t control.

I suppose we’re fairly lucky, though.  At least it’s just our hair, and not an overwhelming need to drop fifty pounds in the span of a month, leading to unhealthy crash-diets, life explosions, and random collapses in public places, right?  Still, it feels like something that helps us FEEL in control seems so… unreasonable.  Like we’re grasping at something desperately, like sand slipping through our fingers, and suddenly decide that a drastic appearance change will TOTALLY help us get a handle on the situation.

Is that neurotic?  I feel like that’s a little neurotic.

I’ve also decided that my lack of control of my living situation is another reason I torment and torture the sanity out of at least 60% of the characters I write about.  That’s not okay, right?  I might have to look into therapy, just to give myself peace of mind.  Jeez.

ANYWAY–next post is about the handiness of curse words in writing… and also how ridiculously inappropriate they can be.  Stay tuned for THAT train wreck.  ~<3

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Filed under Life