“Dove”

This one is largely dialog.  And crap.  I wrote it in half an hour, and haven’t bothered to revise it. I  don’t know if I will.  I just needed to get something out of my system, and here it is.  Enjoy.  Or flame it mercilessly.  Your call.  =]

~~~

She broke me.  I lost myself inside of her; her eyes, the curl of her hair, the curves of her delicate hands.  In that night, I had known her, held her, kissed her, fucked her.  It would be wrong to say that I loved her as a man loves a woman.  I loved her body, but not her soul; her lips, but not her heart.

I loved the idea of her.

But in those quiet morning moments, I felt almost attached to greater things, brought from the wastelands, in to an oasis.  Though, outside in the arid desert, reality haunted us.  I was with her though, and slowly, in a roll, I draped an arm across her middle, letting my fingertips drag so lightly across that flawless flesh… and her breath hitched.  She was awake.  I felt a perfect, delicate hand curl around my— throat.

I grinned.  “Good morning, beautiful.”

A pistol was cocked near my right temple, and I couldn’t stop myself from snickering.

“You always had a terrible sense of humor, Declan,” she murmured, and I heard her free hand rummaging around in my things, thought, amused as I was, I didn’t dare look.  There would be no hesitation in that pretty little trigger finger.

“Always about the money, isn’t it?”  My hands felt no need to stop caressing her, drifting down her belly, and over the gentle mound of her sex.

“You and I have nothing to do with money.  Stop touching me,” she snapped.

“Don’t sound so cold.”  I was still grinning, and it earned me a swift crack from the butt of her gun.  Gold and green stars exploded in my right eye, the taste of copper flooded my mouth.  “Fuck,” I spat, smearing my hand over my lips.

“You’re worse than a toddler,” she murmured, unfazed as she tugged her skirt over the swell of her hips.

“Does this mean we don’t have time for another go?”  The look she gave me stung, but her hesitation told me she was considering it.

“Next time.”

“Dove.”

“Next time, Declan!”

I smiled a bloody-toothed smile, and she rolled her eyes, pulling on her shirt and tucking the bills she had just folded into her waistband.  “You’re getting to be an expensive whore, Dove.”  I winced and waited, but the pistol never fell.  Testing the waters, I glanced up, and she was gone.  Leaping from the mass of blankets on the tent floor, I burst through the flaps to find Dove settling into my horse’s saddle.  My horse.

“Sorry, Dec.”  No she wasn’t.

“We’re in the middle of the goddamn desert, Dove.  Be reasonable.”

“She can’t carry both of us.  I’ll send a coach this way.”

“Lying bi–” She took off like a bat out of hell.

Heaving a sigh, and with the sand scorching my bare feet, I headed back into my tent to escape the sun.  I’d rather sweat my balls off in layers than stand in the desert naked for any length of time.

Tugging open a small wooden box by our makeshift bed, I brought a tightly rolled cigarette to my lips, letting the bloodied tip rest there while my hands sought out my pants.  The pants that contained my lighter.  The pants that were not there.  A pang of panic punched me square in the sternum and I started fumbling about with the swathes of fabric tangled about the floor.

No pants.

“Bitch!  Made off with my lighter….” I huffed and snapped the tobacco stick in half, pitching it roughly to the ground, as I once again exited the tent.

And by ‘tent,’ I mean my new canvas dress.

She broke me.

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18 Comments

Filed under Flash Fiction, Writing

18 responses to ““Dove”

  1. This was lovely! I actually was up when I shouldn’t be (i need to wake up early for a long day of work tomorrow) but I read the first lines of your post, and the story got me hooked.

    You’re very good at grabbing your reader’s attention! Maybe I missed a post or two, but I believe this is the first work of fiction I read of yours, and now, besides knowing you’re a great blogger, I now know you are also a talented writer and storyteller!

    I loved the non-stereotypical, complicated relationship between these two characters. That’s what got me interested. Why does the narrator allow this woman to abuse him?

    Why does this woman (who you seem to imply is kind of into this guy too) have such a relationship where she has to be the dominant one. Fear of intimacy, maybe?

    Constructive criticism: I would make it more clear to the audience from the beginning that this takes place in the desert, and in a tent, oh and that there’s a horse nearby. All those elements came as a surprise to me, because I picture them in a cheap motel in the downtown of some sketchy city. The desert location made me wonder about time as well–i think you might drop us a hint as to what time period it is in. I figured present, but the desert and horse made me think it was happening in the past.

    Great use of language, you have a unique way of telling your story, and a characteristic narrative voice. Which is a hard thing to pull off (I am still working on my narrative voice and at this point it is awful!)

    Great tension, the dialogue was very realistic (also a hard thing to pull off), and like I said overall you tell a great short story. I can’t wait to read more! :)

    • Thanks, Ollin! And I agree, I should have worked the setting/time frame in closer to the beginning. I was going for more of an early 1900s era. I should have evidenced that with the clothing. I always feel so awkward describing objects in first person, though. I need to get over that. Lol.

      I have put up three other random bits of fiction. Which are under the cleverly titled “random bits of fiction” tab at the top and side of the page. Lol. Mckenzie’s Flash Fiction Thursdays were fun. ^_^

  2. Lua

    Wow- a pistol was cocked near his right temple? Declan does have a weird sense of humor! :)
    Ok, first of all- it is not crap, not at all! I think it has great potential.
    And the dialogue was really good, very realistic, it helps the story move forward. Well done Kit!

  3. unabridgedgirl

    Great ending! Hahahah!

  4. Agreed, wonderful ending! Wonderful in general. I was hooked right from the beginning. Sometimes the best way to move a story along is through dialogue which can also expose characters’ inner … character, which happened here. I give it two thumbs up.

  5. I really loved this! I loved the flow and the fierceness of the characters. I want to get to know them more, which is always a good sign in my opinion, but still there’s a completeness to the piece.

    You’re such a good writer, Kit. You truly are.

  6. Pingback: “Dove” – Handwritten Draft | Goggles & Lace

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