An Apology to Myself

Number one destroyer of my current mental health: Unemployment.


I could spend the better part of this post going off about the state of the US economy, bad politics, and a blatant disdain for what our country has become.  We have a pretty epically awesome history, but– yeah, never mind.  I said I wouldn’t complain about what’s become of us.

I could blame everything from the unbalanced hold Big Business has on The Consumer, to the fact that, as a whole, we have become solely The Consumer.

I could blame my parents.  Everyone always blames their parents, but it’s not my parents’ fault.

Or I could be honest, and I could blame me.  I could do the responsible thing and own up to my actions — or lack thereof.  I could tell you that I’m unemployed because I was a lazy, smart ass high school student whose ambition was destroyed by butting heads with teachers who didn’t really care.  I knew they didn’t care about their students, and I should have had the good sense to account for that and care about myself.  I could have done better if I didn’t blame them for hating me, all the while contributing to their frustration with my bullheaded remarks and know-it-all personality.

I like to think I’ve grown since then.  In some ways, I have, but in others — well, I’ve gone from confident in all the wrong ways to self-conscious in all the major ones.  Life knocked me down a few pegs; something that happens to way too many people. Reality is vicious.  Reality doesn’t care if it knocks you off your pedestal so many times you lose the will to climb back up.

You have to care.  No one is going to do it for you.  No one can fix you but you, and you can’t fix you if you don’t want to fix you.

I can’t fix me if I don’t want to fix me.  I have to sometimes remind myself that talking in the second person isn’t going to change the fact that I am talking about me, even if it’s a topic I want to avoid.

But I’m trying to face it.  That’s the point.

I’m broken.  I can fix me.  I want to fix me.

The steps I’m taking to “fix” what’s broken:

  • Job hunting and tweaking my very limited resume to make me look awesome, even though that fact is debatable among employers.
  • Becoming a better pagan.  We get a bad rep, but we’re too busy being too afraid to “come out of the broom closet” to mend it.  Those of us with the ability should make some effort to educate.  Not through ‘conversion’, but through our acts in the community.
  • Motivating myself.  I can’t wait for other people to come along and pull me out of this ditch.  I need to write, read, and create the me that I want to be.
  • Loving myself.  It’s hard sometimes, but I can’t appropriately love others until I love myself.  It isn’t fair to expect someone else to love all the things about me that I hate, just so I can fill the gap.

And there’s my very depressing post for today.  It took me a couple of hours to write it, because… I hate self-evaluation, as I mentioned a few posts ago.

So, here I am, ready to be better, and willing to make the changes that are necessary to be who I want to be.

Are you who you want to be?

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18 Comments

Filed under Life, Paganism, Uncategorized

18 responses to “An Apology to Myself

  1. jesseowalls

    Wow, that’s some heavy stuff. I understand that self-evaluation can be hard, I hate taking a good long look in the mirror myself (and not just becuase of the face that looks back at me). But the first step to fixing any problem is admitting that you have the problem. I have lived life to an extent and have grown in many ways, but the one problem that use to hold me back (and may still) is the fact that I don’t always face reality. I have a tendency to live in denial, to create a world inside my head that I think should be real, and then act just for myself in the theatre of my mind…the real world is sometimes not my friend. Once upon a time I blamed many factors for how my life turned out, but one day I realized I had to take responsibility. Despite what anyone else may have done to have deterred me from my full potential, or what events may have transpired to give me the self-conscious nature I now possess, I was the one who allowed it to keep its hold on me. I could have said a long time ago I wanted to change, but I didn’t, so I only have myself to blame. The world may have dealt me a bad hand, but only I can choose how to play it, but if I never play it at all, I’ll never know what I could have accomplished. Your post was very inspiring to me. I have been going through a hard time recently, finding myself dealing with some of the same problems you addressed for yourself, and to see that I am not alone makes me feel better in a strange sort of way. Not that I am happy there are other people out in the world who feel this sort of turmoil of the soul, but sometimes I feel I am alone in my struggles and it makes me feel more…human…to know others have the same trials and tribulations. Thanks for sharing.

    • Thank you for sharing, too. It is comforting to know that I’m not alone in these feelings (and maybe a little less crazy than I might have expected). Coping with issues like this alone makes it even harder to make the change you want to see in yourself. (Everything else has a support group, why shouldn’t life, right?)

      I’m glad my self-purging inspired you, though. I figured getting it out in the open would help me deal with it, but if it helps others too, that’s even better. <3

  2. Erin M

    Ohhhhh, man, Kit. You hit the nail right on the melon. I was grappling with this question today (something in the air?), and trying to figure out what the heck I’m going to do with my life (or at least in the near future). And owning up to the fact that I’m unemployed because I’m not trying hard enough.

    There are jobs out there, I’m just . . . happy doing things besides working for wages. But I feel so guilty about it. I feel like I’m wasting my life and disappointing people . . .

    More importantly, I feel disappointed with myself. I’m not who I want to be. I have so far to go, and I need to keep trying, not just give up and feel sorry for myself. I need to do the best that I can do with what I’ve got, and stop going “Oh, if only I’d done that a few years ago, I’d be somewhere else now.” Tough! I have to live with my decisions and mistakes and move forward.

    I get discouraged too easily.

    But. Self-evaluation + reminders + staying motivated = possible progress?

    I wish you all the best with job hunting, becoming a better pagan, working towards being who you want to be, and loving yourself.

    Hugs!

    • It’s a rough place to be, but at least we’re recognizing that we’re there. You can’t make change if you don’t know change is needed, right? We’re at least taking that first step in the right direction.

      Another thing to remember is that, as old as we feel, we’re still reasonably young, and there’s still time as long as we make use of it!

      Good luck in your quest for progress, too! <3 *Hug!*

  3. Nate

    do what I do for my resume

    say you’re one of the X-Men.

  4. unabridgedgirl

    * HUGS * Kit, you’re fabulous! And, at least, you’re taking all the necessary steps towards who you want to be, right? And you have some awesome goals.

    I am not who I want to be yet, but it’s a daily process. Sometimes a moment by moment one! LoL

    I believe in you. You’re too spunky and wonderful not to succeed.

    M.

    • By far the most DIFFICULT thing I’ve ever had to write. But thank you, McKenzie, you’re super great! I guess we’re all kind of struggling to be who we want to be, both as human beings and as marathoners in the life-race.

      I vote for setting Quarter Life Crisis on fire! We can do it! I’ll bring the pitchforks!

  5. :-( Good luck job hunting!

    On your resume, have you done community service?
    -If you haven’t… do some in your free time. It looks good.
    -If you have… break it up as much as possible. Instead of saying “Worked at the Community Kitchen June 2007” try to think of specifics: “Volunteered at Community kitchen 4th of July dinner, July 2007; Murder mystery dinner theatre, August 2007. Volunteered consistently at regular dinner nights throughout summer 2007.” It looks like you did more that way, and it makes employers happy.

    And don’t be afraid to end up in retail. Yeah, working there sucks, but it will pay the bills until you can land in the career path you want, and it’s another thing to add to the resume. And most middle and high schools are looking for substitute teachers and you can apply to be one, no training necessary.

    As long as you try hard and are confident and strong, you’ll land something. Believe in yourself, and other people will too. As they already do.

    I’ll be following your blog- it’s always exciting to find new writers!

    • Well, the newest thing I’m adding to my resume is the fact that I’m hosting a writing group at the library this summer.

      As far as retail is concerned, I’m SO not picky! I’m really at that stage where I’ll take what I can get, because… let me tell you, the pickings are slim on Monster and Career Builder. They’ve become pretty much useless sites over the last couple of years. So, for now, I’ll take anything that’s made available to me, and worry about the “dream career” while I’m still pulling in money to pay the bills.

      Thanks for the advice, though. I’m going to see what I can do about getting involved in more library and community events, and stocking up my resume with those. It’s not like I’m doing anything productive with my time… that pays me. =P

      Thanks for reading — And following! <3

  6. Finding a job is the WORST! I was lucky this summer, but last summer I was stuck babysitting two crazy kids (I love them and I love their mother but there is only so much a girl can take!). At least you now have this blog to keep you company!!

    • Babysitting. </3 I feel for you. I'm SO lucky I haven't had to babysit since high school, because I am so incredibly bad with kids. (That's not counting my very awesome nephew. We're on good terms, as long as he doesn't throw up on me.) What are you doing this summer? Hopefully something good!

  7. Pingback: Buckling Down « Goggles & Lace

  8. Reality IS vicious but I think the important part is knowing how to handle it.

    Great post!

  9. It’s in point of fact a great and helpful piece of info.
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    us. Please stay us up to date like this. Thank you for sharing.

  10. Write more, thats all I have to say. Literally,
    it seems as though you relied on the video to make your point.
    You obviously know what youre talking about, why waste your intelligence on just
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